A 40-something wife, mother, and friend who suffers from schizo-affective disorder, D.I.D, and severe P.T.S.D.. I live in the Arizona dessert and spend my time writing poetry, short stories, and working on my great american novel. I am a fan of fantasy, romance, sci-fi and comedy novels. My most favorite novel is The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia and we can't leave out the Dresden Files. I take Mental Illness and my family seriously. Welcome and enjoy.










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Loki's Army





 
05
Oct

So as I look back on my past entries I think I was afraid to speak…  or at least put something out there that would bring happiness or grief and they all circle around Christmas the last few years. I am trying to do better.  I’m afraid to speak up for me.  My past has turned me into a bit of a victim monster.  Everything in my past moves me around on an hourly basis.  I am a paranoid schizoaffective.  What’s that you ask?  It’s that scary mega-stigmatized Paranoid schizophrenia with all the fun and dangerous mood swings of bipolar disorder.

It’s time to be real I guess, real with you, real with the world.  I see shit I’ve always seen it as far back as I can remember seeing things before my brother was born. When my bed was in his bedroom and my room was my playroom and my parents were still together and they loved me.  What I put here is me and of my own admittance. My therapist got taken away and I need to see if my new insurance will cover therapy.  I hope so I need a good therapist until then I am stuck here.

But yes, to get back on point.  I saw the two little girls that I see all the time, everywhere. If I’m in the livingroom they are on the floor. When I’m in hospital they are playing in the TV room.  They are quiet. Or I just don’t hear them.   But they never age, their toy never breaks and they stay out from underfoot.  They are different from my DID personalities.   But as I”ve gotten older the more I’ve broken.  Adding Vocal and Tactile hallucinations.  It’s why I fell in love with heavy metal, death metal, metal, and industrial metal. IT’s all good to be loud and drowned out the voices.    The tactile hallucinations I can say are pretty frightening.  I can be all alone in the house.  the animals all napping and then suddenly someone will run their hand down my arm from shoulder to fingers and goosebumps will pop up and holy shite where did that come from? Who was it? It was no one, just my brain.

I’m on antipsychotics now to help with the voices but tonight they are just awful. I’ve been having suicidal idealizations the last few days and I am terrified of myself.  I hate to say it but I”m starting to think its almost time for another inpatient stay for safety reasons.


Posted by

25
Dec
no

I am so glad that all my friends had a great and Merry Chirstmas. I saw my mum and Dave her boyfriend. They came for Christmas lunch. We got gran up and I tell mom she’s deteriorating and that she’ not doing good but seeing it face to face sent my mum off with actual feelings of heartsick because her mother is fading.

It’s killing me inside watching her fade. My gran has been a large part of my life for as long as I can remember. But now she doesn’t recognize me, or talk your ear off. She’s very quiet and almost shy. Outgoing and strong my gran was a pillar for my growing years until I was 16 and a half and moved to my dads for a better education and college and the schizophrenic breaks that led to me being sick.

In 2010 I recieved a call from my gran’s baby sister asking if my gran moved to back here to Arizona could I take care of her. She wasn’t expected to life more than two more years. Eight years later she is fading so I spend my time with her.


Posted by

17
Dec
Christmas Holidays 2018

So Monday is upon us.  Another week begins and now Christmas is a week away.  I pray that it will be painless.

I see my Doctor Wed, I get my baking supplies Wed.

Fudge, blossoms, reindeer poop, chocolate chip cookies, and maybe Kolachki.

I’m doing okay I guess.  Frustrated, Tired, Hurting.  But I got the laundry almost finished.  I actually get to start sorting through my clothes, Mend, Wash rags, or donate.  I don’t wear much now a days.  Just lounge pants and tee shirts.  

I’m depressed this year.  It’s been a bad year.  I love you all, will write more later.

~Alice


Posted by

01
Dec

It’s Christmas Season 2018.  My brain is out of sorts. I see Dr. D in a week or two and we will talk about my aggression issues.  My case manager has been changed yet again, First M got taken and now S is being taken but at least he was kind enough to tell me who my new case manager is.

Today is December 1st, and 


Posted by

01
Dec

What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.


Posted by

31
Dec

2017-logo

 

Starting 1-1-17 look for new content!


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23
Dec

Decorations

There is no Christmas tree.  No lights.  we are just in a sad home with over grown weeds and grassland two saplings for citrus on either side of the front yard.the number stickers faded on the mailbox that needs replaced. our Long dead van sits parked. dead one year.

Christmas just isn’t. with my gran begging for eternal sleep.  when she does go we will be boxing upbeat we need not fruitless junk. we’ll be headed to Minosota.  It’s where my best friend is from and honestly I want out of this damned state.  i’ll miss la frontera but they have a fundamental health system and I will always return to regions hospital.  I was happy with them.

I will miss cookie but her family seems afraid of me. I’m afraid of me.  There will always be cards and pictures passed back and forth.  I’m just starting to talk to my son but I don’t think about what it’s.  Sedona can start interacting with me in April 2017.

Moving to the land of 10,000 lakes will give kevin a better chance at help and better jobs.  after being in state a year I am sure I might ‘ve able to start collage again.  Will have to find out. I want to take writing classes.

Well Christmas is not Christmas but I did make sure everyone got something good. my gran has 3 nightgown a DVD player and coffee mug with cocoa packets.  got my hubby a kindle fire 8 extended warranty and a stand/case/cover, some do dad’s for his gaping, and boxers and teeshirts and Sox.  my loving sister got Jammie lounge pants, a nightgown, 10  bath and body works.  I got myself Jammie pants a nightgown and an amazon gift card.  dixie got a new collar and a rawhide bone.

Hope my birthday is better. cheddar a massive cocktail or two (it’s my 40th)  ‘s one onion rings and something to eat the drive around to the back side and have a movie fest.

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Hatter is with me mishandled calming me down…. thank you for this journey into the world of Alice in Arizona. read more…


Posted by

18
Oct

no

I dont like talking to people its very awkward and usually leaves me upset and the rest of rthe group angry.

I am just a moron.


Posted by

16
Oct

Diva in the Baby Pool

We are in the mid 80’s and ble skys forever.  Dixie and Diva are saying goodbye to the water in their pool. And this year I think we will purchase ball pit balls to fill it with for winter fun.

My sister purchased a lemon and lime tees fo the front yad.  They are year round producers.  Gran will like to.

It’s dropping into the 60’s at night which makes for beautiful mornings when Dixie goes for her end of night potty trip.

I am looking forward to the cooler weather to helpwith walking tomorrow I gotta go get my meds that are filled.  I am also looking forward to fires in the pit and toasted marshmallows and smores. Camping food packets and desert packets.

They are expecting rain in a week or two and it will be the end to warmer temperatures.


Posted by

16
Oct

_1

This is a doh halti.  It is specifically designed to teach your dog not to pull and how to bring about proper leash manners, it was suggested both by my sister who has used them several times and by my vet . Who is worried about her safety when walking.

So far dixie is not unsettled either way.  She still pulls. It will . Take loads of work.

#momfordogsafety

 


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