A 30-something wife, mother, and friend who suffers from schizoaffective disorder, D.I.D, and severe P.T.S.D.. She lives in the Arizona dessert and spends her time writing poetry, short stories, and working on her great american novel. She is a fan of fantasy, romance, sci-fi and comedy novels. Her most favorite novel is The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia and we can't leave out the Dresden Files. She takes Mental Illness and her family seriously. Welcome and enjoy.










Feels like Home

Loki's Army





 
04
Jul

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I know the picture is of three little girls suffering cancer.  I believe all wore in remission when it was taken.  Its more the quote and there being three girls in it.  For most that do not know, besides Shizoaffective disorder, early onset with a total break August 10th when I went on dialysis and it removed all my psych meds and the toxins from my shot down kidneys.  I went fully off the deep end.

I have D.I.D. which is the new classification family of multi-personality.  I have many voices.

I have Alice May she is 6 and has an addiction to stuffed animals.  She is the only part of me that still loves my dad.

I have Elizabeth, we call her Beth.  She likes a rainbow of genres and  I received her when my family started to fracture and I was being left at my grandparents(Fraternal) front door for undisclosed time.  Money problems, parental fights when they thought you weren’t listening she is 6.

I have Jayna who is 7 1/2 and I received her when my babysitters oldest brother took advantage of a broken child and continuously molested me to the point I was ruined.  Jayna is my freedom and my strength and protects me as a great fighter would, she loves My SO.

all three love to color and draw and seem to just enjoy being out and contributing how I can.  Alice sucks on my cats ears to calm herself.

I also know about Jayna, but my SO enjoys the girls and rescues the cats.

On my sixteenth birthday I got a surprise party and raped by the boy I was in love with a friend from the valley. I don’t even remember his name but his voice I will never forget.  I got Jolie when I am most frustrated and in pain or stressed out Jolie strikes out she shuts me out and cleans the problem.

Where Dimitri came from I do not know but he is an adult older than myself and I’ve known him since  as long as I can remember.  He is my protector and goes to knuckles and fists rather than speaking.  In 2007 I nearly beat a security guard to death.  It was all Dimitri,

I have others but I know them not.  It does not make me scary or worried.  I’m just a person and I can’t control when they come out.  just please to remember this when you think of me.

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28
Jun

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My world is spiraling out of control. I feel like I will never get my footing.


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20
Jun
no

crazy days

Life is a strange thing but should easily make you happy.

I don’t have that happy. Even on Anti-psychotics and high dose moodstablizers my mood is in the sad range. I don’t recall ever being overly joyous with out a manic high.

I can’t take antidepressants because they send me into manic highs, and as we found out in may they send me severely suicidal and supper psychotic. I am indeed a monster and I am sorry for that.


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08
Jun

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PCC16 is over but I left with a smile.

While the registration line and wait left a bitter taste in my mouth I got to meet three wonderful people. I got to meet:

First up is Ms. Eve Myles from Dr. Who and Torchwood on the bbc. I have followed her through both shows because I couldn’t get over how beautiful she is. I waited in a not so long line but when I got to her She was so very kind, granted I am 6ft tall and weigh about 300lbs she is 5’6″ and maybe 130 at most. Her welcome was reaching for my hand and shook it said hello with that wonderful accent then commented on how tall /i was. I was in heaven. Maybe 30 seconds but it made me smile and perk up quite a bit. I left with my picture and went to wait for my sister who was getting an autograph with James Marsters.

Next up was my Autograph with Oded Fehr, one of my Unicorns from my teenage, mummy, resident evil years and I got a hug because he was still out when he stepped up and said why not and it helped I was overloaded and about to break down but the hug was okay then he went back around the desk and signed my picture we talked a little more. (He signed the picture. “Nice to Meet You, Oded Fehr) and I got to find out he was going to school for Psychology before he decided to become an actor! One way or another it was a wonderful meeting. We parted ways and I missed his photo op due to damage I caused with my feet due to the heat, bad shoes, and not listening to my sister I’ll explain soon)

Next was the photo op of Mr. James Marsters, most people know him as Spike from the Buffy the Vampire Series. I know him as the voice of the Dresden Files Novels by Jim Butcher. My Sister knows him from both. She brought along Bob her skull for support and James was so very happy she did, he stroke an awesome pose the three of us with him. It was so very nice.

We went back out to the car (it was 118F outside in Phoenix Saturday and my feet were killing me so dummy me I took off my shoes and did not check the bottoms for blisters just popped those suckers off and walked across 118+ degrees of concrete and asphalt by the time I made it to the car the blister on my left foot was popped and the layer of skin gone and the blister badly burned. I had to make the heart breaking decision to forgo Sunday at con, missing the Oded Fehr photo and the Alex Kingston/Billie Piper photo op. it broke my heart. But today (4 days later) I can finally sorta walk on my feet again.

Next year con will be again and maybe next year the con people will better plan and organize registration for prepaid/purchased people)


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14
May

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Hatter is with me, by my side as we walk to and fro throughout the day. He has encouraged me to start writing again. It will always help my broken mind.

I saw the doctor two weeks ago, have been on a pediatric dose of an antidepressant, slowly working my way up as an adult dose is to strong but a pediatric dose somewhere is just right.


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22
Jan

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Just stumbled across my son’s facebook via my dad putting up a post and spelling R. wrong. R has TWO L’s. Not one. well his new name is T. I don’t know how to feel about this.


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21
Jan

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I’ve been gone awhile, hiding from myself really, hiding from what I am, wishing I could be what I want to be. A lot has happened in 6 months. I started therapy. Something I’ve needed for a very long time. I finally got it and its helping. Slowly but surely. I like my therapist, he’s on my wavelength and he only works with people with schizo-effective disorder.

But yeah hiding from myself, I’ve more or less shut down. In a lot of ways really. but it’s helped me move forward in my book some *smiley face* I’m slowly getting over losing so much family all at once. No more hospital stays. Dr’s offices stalking me for money, trying to come up with money I need to see other dr’s.

My newest addiction is DC and Marvel TV shows. Movies every Tuesday with my sister and even a date night with my husband (that was exciting) Speaking of my husband we are curently in couples therapy. I wanna fix us before I lose him and he seems to support my feelings. I actually made him cry. I’m still haunted by that. He’s a big bear with a strong heart.


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26
May

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Its been an off day. One of those days I wish I was still in the hospital. I was released to soon. I start my bereivement group friday and art thursday but bereivement first. Five people near and dear plus my best kitty friend i hope berievement helps and then maybe dbt in the future.

My therapy is pow_wowed today and by friday i know my therapy.


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16
May

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So I got home night before last. I was still in a drug induced haze the first 24hours. But i am doing a little better today.


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05
May

red white and blue suicide two

Woke up this morning after a wonderful birthday with my sister and am back in my funk. I cycled while i slept. Elizabeth even came out to play. How do i know this i had crayons stuck to me when i went to change for my plan powow today.

My head is killing me for many reasons. Not only do i have a weather induced migraine. I am just horridly sad and crying at anything. It was a swift kick all right. So sick and majorly depressed i got this. The voices are at it. Im glad kevin is home i need him for sure.

Dr diez put me back on the sleeping pills to help. I am exhausted even after seven hours of sleep. He says the temazepam might help my brain sleep. He upped my invega for the first time in four years by 3mg. He cant get me in for 8 weeks unless its an emergency. Tmc might be in the plans.

I hate this feeling. I feel like a kicked puppy that will never be able to get up. Sure i smile but i dont feel it past my lips. Im really scared though. Its been almost six months since I’ve felt this bad. Im just gonna curl up. Just doing something or stop mopping or be an adult isnt gonna help this i’m sorry we just have to wait out the cycle.

Im glad I have Ambrosia and Kevin.


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