A 40-something wife, mother, and friend who suffers from schizo-affective disorder, D.I.D, and severe P.T.S.D.. I live in the Arizona dessert and spend my time writing poetry, short stories, and working on my great american novel. I am a fan of fantasy, romance, sci-fi and comedy novels. My most favorite novel is The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia and we can't leave out the Dresden Files. I take Mental Illness and my family seriously. Welcome and enjoy.

Feels like Home

Loki's Army




Music has always soothed me.  The mood dictates the music.

I listen to everything, sometimes even rap even though I dont understand it, the melodies, drums, bass work, keyboards all clense my hurt and pains.

hell sometimes I am in the mood for classical or big band era jazz and dance you know in the mood, I won’t dance.  even modern jazz work like the phenominal norah jones.

I own alot of soundtracks they help me discover new artists.  sometimes my sister or friends would introduce me to a song and i{ii need more.

tonight I am listening to 30 seconds to mars, miley cyrus, lindsey stirling, the tenors, norah jones, antoria, and cradle of filth, and of course rammstein.

awarm shower tunes in my bed and off to beddy-bye



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while I try to look happy, passible, and productive I am scrambled inside.

my husband is lierally Pigpen from the Charlie Brown Peanuts comic complete with dust cloud finding him around.  right now he has to walk to work, work 8 hours and walk home its a 7 mile walk but hes doing it with complaint.

my duty is to clean the house and keep her clean.  I don’t mind cleaning what I can’t handle is pig pens critiscism on what I try hard to do.  there is always something going wrong and he has no right criticizing me like that. it makes me feel worthless and unwanted yet I clean in homes it will stay clean for at least a week.

I just wish he’d respect me I resspect him 90% of the time. it does not do well withb my mental illness and autism.  he used to be thoughtful. I try to meet his sudden expectations.

my meds work 75% of the time.  I work hard.   but in his lazy, overworked life I just dont met the sudden standards.  come november I may have a friend from out of town come and visit me.  I hope she can.  I would love to see her.

ambys buisness is slowly expanding and I wish her the best and I lovee to help her flesh out her ideas.


I will be as strong as my mind and body allow.

my illness does not define me.

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Living is hard.  But you know what even if I keep myelf locked up in my bedroom all day I’m still here and I am still surviving.

I miss Penny very much and its killing me inside.  Its been 8 years now since she died and whilee I am still so glad she’s at peace… I’m still stubborn and miss her.

Penny.  she was an amazing gal.  She was smart, kind, and a true leader.  But she was so vry sick.

Makes mwe so glad to say, you know what??  I am alive today.  I am trying and itas fucking hard.


also got my swear word coloring book, and I got my supernatural coloring book today.

with that said, ttfn.

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Hello all.

So at the end of July I was inpatient at the mental health hospital for near a week when I got deathly ill and had to go to the regular hospital err and was taken inpatient there for 8 days while trying to bring the sodium level in my body back up. After 12 years my triumphal tanked that level and I had to be weaned off.

Today I got the results of my newest blood work and my level is a perfect 137. Much better than 98. I am on a low carb diet, I drink 1800more of fluid every 24 hours.  And my new med regiment is top notch.

I have lost 150lbs I still have 100 to go.  But I am tacking all my comfy clothes so that I can wear them. I have gone from a 6x to a 2-3x it’s very nice.

Well I will talk again tomorrow.



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I know the picture is of three little girls suffering cancer.  I believe all wore in remission when it was taken.  Its more the quote and there being three girls in it.  For most that do not know, besides Shizoaffective disorder, early onset with a total break August 10th when I went on dialysis and it removed all my psych meds and the toxins from my shot down kidneys.  I went fully off the deep end.

I have D.I.D. which is the new classification family of multi-personality.  I have many voices.

I have Alice May she is 6 and has an addiction to stuffed animals.  She is the only part of me that still loves my dad.

I have Elizabeth, we call her Beth.  She likes a rainbow of genres and  I received her when my family started to fracture and I was being left at my grandparents(Fraternal) front door for undisclosed time.  Money problems, parental fights when they thought you weren’t listening she is 6.

I have Jayna who is 7 1/2 and I received her when my babysitters oldest brother took advantage of a broken child and continuously molested me to the point I was ruined.  Jayna is my freedom and my strength and protects me as a great fighter would, she loves My SO.

all three love to color and draw and seem to just enjoy being out and contributing how I can.  Alice sucks on my cats ears to calm herself.

I also know about Jayna, but my SO enjoys the girls and rescues the cats.

On my sixteenth birthday I got a surprise party and raped by the boy I was in love with a friend from the valley. I don’t even remember his name but his voice I will never forget.  I got Jolie when I am most frustrated and in pain or stressed out Jolie strikes out she shuts me out and cleans the problem.

Where Dimitri came from I do not know but he is an adult older than myself and I’ve known him since  as long as I can remember.  He is my protector and goes to knuckles and fists rather than speaking.  In 2007 I nearly beat a security guard to death.  It was all Dimitri,

I have others but I know them not.  It does not make me scary or worried.  I’m just a person and I can’t control when they come out.  just please to remember this when you think of me.


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My world is spiraling out of control. I feel like I will never get my footing.

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crazy days

Life is a strange thing but should easily make you happy.

I don’t have that happy. Even on Anti-psychotics and high dose moodstablizers my mood is in the sad range. I don’t recall ever being overly joyous with out a manic high.

I can’t take antidepressants because they send me into manic highs, and as we found out in may they send me severely suicidal and supper psychotic. I am indeed a monster and I am sorry for that.

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PCC16 is over but I left with a smile.

While the registration line and wait left a bitter taste in my mouth I got to meet three wonderful people. I got to meet:

First up is Ms. Eve Myles from Dr. Who and Torchwood on the bbc. I have followed her through both shows because I couldn’t get over how beautiful she is. I waited in a not so long line but when I got to her She was so very kind, granted I am 6ft tall and weigh about 300lbs she is 5’6″ and maybe 130 at most. Her welcome was reaching for my hand and shook it said hello with that wonderful accent then commented on how tall /i was. I was in heaven. Maybe 30 seconds but it made me smile and perk up quite a bit. I left with my picture and went to wait for my sister who was getting an autograph with James Marsters.

Next up was my Autograph with Oded Fehr, one of my Unicorns from my teenage, mummy, resident evil years and I got a hug because he was still out when he stepped up and said why not and it helped I was overloaded and about to break down but the hug was okay then he went back around the desk and signed my picture we talked a little more. (He signed the picture. “Nice to Meet You, Oded Fehr) and I got to find out he was going to school for Psychology before he decided to become an actor! One way or another it was a wonderful meeting. We parted ways and I missed his photo op due to damage I caused with my feet due to the heat, bad shoes, and not listening to my sister I’ll explain soon)

Next was the photo op of Mr. James Marsters, most people know him as Spike from the Buffy the Vampire Series. I know him as the voice of the Dresden Files Novels by Jim Butcher. My Sister knows him from both. She brought along Bob her skull for support and James was so very happy she did, he stroke an awesome pose the three of us with him. It was so very nice.

We went back out to the car (it was 118F outside in Phoenix Saturday and my feet were killing me so dummy me I took off my shoes and did not check the bottoms for blisters just popped those suckers off and walked across 118+ degrees of concrete and asphalt by the time I made it to the car the blister on my left foot was popped and the layer of skin gone and the blister badly burned. I had to make the heart breaking decision to forgo Sunday at con, missing the Oded Fehr photo and the Alex Kingston/Billie Piper photo op. it broke my heart. But today (4 days later) I can finally sorta walk on my feet again.

Next year con will be again and maybe next year the con people will better plan and organize registration for prepaid/purchased people)

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Hatter is with me, by my side as we walk to and fro throughout the day. He has encouraged me to start writing again. It will always help my broken mind.

I saw the doctor two weeks ago, have been on a pediatric dose of an antidepressant, slowly working my way up as an adult dose is to strong but a pediatric dose somewhere is just right.

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Just stumbled across my son’s facebook via my dad putting up a post and spelling R. wrong. R has TWO L’s. Not one. well his new name is T. I don’t know how to feel about this.

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