A 40-something wife, mother, and friend who suffers from schizo-affective disorder, D.I.D, and severe P.T.S.D.. I live in the Arizona dessert and spend my time writing poetry, short stories, and working on my great american novel. I am a fan of fantasy, romance, sci-fi and comedy novels. My most favorite novel is The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia and we can't leave out the Dresden Files. I take Mental Illness and my family seriously. Welcome and enjoy.










Feels like Home

Loki's Army





 
05
Oct

So as I look back on my past entries I think I was afraid to speak…  or at least put something out there that would bring happiness or grief and they all circle around Christmas the last few years. I am trying to do better.  I’m afraid to speak up for me.  My past has turned me into a bit of a victim monster.  Everything in my past moves me around on an hourly basis.  I am a paranoid schizoaffective.  What’s that you ask?  It’s that scary mega-stigmatized Paranoid schizophrenia with all the fun and dangerous mood swings of bipolar disorder.

It’s time to be real I guess, real with you, real with the world.  I see shit I’ve always seen it as far back as I can remember seeing things before my brother was born. When my bed was in his bedroom and my room was my playroom and my parents were still together and they loved me.  What I put here is me and of my own admittance. My therapist got taken away and I need to see if my new insurance will cover therapy.  I hope so I need a good therapist until then I am stuck here.

But yes, to get back on point.  I saw the two little girls that I see all the time, everywhere. If I’m in the livingroom they are on the floor. When I’m in hospital they are playing in the TV room.  They are quiet. Or I just don’t hear them.   But they never age, their toy never breaks and they stay out from underfoot.  They are different from my DID personalities.   But as I”ve gotten older the more I’ve broken.  Adding Vocal and Tactile hallucinations.  It’s why I fell in love with heavy metal, death metal, metal, and industrial metal. IT’s all good to be loud and drowned out the voices.    The tactile hallucinations I can say are pretty frightening.  I can be all alone in the house.  the animals all napping and then suddenly someone will run their hand down my arm from shoulder to fingers and goosebumps will pop up and holy shite where did that come from? Who was it? It was no one, just my brain.

I’m on antipsychotics now to help with the voices but tonight they are just awful. I’ve been having suicidal idealizations the last few days and I am terrified of myself.  I hate to say it but I”m starting to think its almost time for another inpatient stay for safety reasons.

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